Getting a little better

It has been a while since I wrote. I just needed a break away from it all. I am so grateful for all the supportive comments and for the incredible support and kind words from my friends and family. This time has been very hard for my husband and I truly appriciate it. We have not made any decisions about what is next besides taking a break from all the doctors and diagnosis and just getting back to "normal"

So for now I am going to focus on getting myself healthy( for real this time). Lose a little weight and just naturally get my body in shape. My doctor wanted me to start metformin which is usually used for patients with PCOS. I don't have this but she thinks this may help. I still am not sure if I going to take it but she said we could try it. It may help, and can't hurt. But again this makes me feel like an experiment.

I am going to go to a new accupuncturist who was recommended by a friend. I think starting something new will help me as well.

I just can't shake this sadness

I really thought I would be getting better. I think what is hardest is the fact that I don't think we can afford going further. I am so angry. I am relatively young, have a lot of eggs ( as they say) and yet nothing to show for them. All the doctors are in a quandry and have no idea what's up. They say I am not PCOS but my ovaries function that way. At first there was too much medicine then this time too little medicine.
Sometimes I just feel like an experiment. I wish there was an answer. They has options to go further but I feel like they are guessing and I just can't go through this financially or emotionally on a guess. I can't function and I feel like I am just floating along. I don't know where to turn. I think I may seriously need some help.

It's all over....

Our egg didn't make it so it's over before it started. I can't explain the pain I have in my heart today. It feels like an unending abyss.

Meanwhile, This morning was a mess because my cath got clogged and I had to change it again. I still have a huge clot that is slowly breaking up. But if it doesn't keep progressing I will have to have minor surgery.

I just don't know what to do what comes next. My husband is so strong and so amazing but I know he is hurting too. I am just numb.

and theres more.....

I had to go back because I couldn't urinate and the little I could get out it got prtty bloody. I was not sure where it was coming from but I knew nothing was on the pad. I called the doctors office and she told me to come back in. She put a cath in (oh boy) and it wasn't draining correctly. As she looked on the ultrasound she found a huge blod clot 5cm in my bladder and realized that was blocking the tube. So we had to take it out and try again with a new one and it seems to be working but I am terribly uncomfortable and I had to travel home with a bag....(really??)

I feel like today is a nightmare that just keeps going. I just don't don't know how much of this I can take.
I guess the one good thing is that they said my egg is progressing and for my husband to go back in again.

Back from ER ; (

So I can't believe this is happening again. Everything seemed to be going so smoothly. They only got 1 egg! and its not even mature yet. Apparently the follicles they saw on Tuesday I guess they were smaller. My doctor aspirated all of them even the small ones and thats all they got. So they think it may be a egg quality issue. Again they are not giving up on this one but my heart is so broken into pieces I am just numb. I will get a call this afternoon about the details but I just want to crawl up in a ball and disappear. I just can't stop crying.

I never wanter something more in my life. I feel like I do everything to be a good person in the world but I feel so kicked in the gut right now.

I am not giving up hope yet because they aren't but I just don't know what to think.

It's a go for Thursday

Things are looking good so we are doing ER on Thursday. I feel a lot better about it this time. I am so happy that I spoke up yesterday. My doctor does not think I will get a lot of eggs but he said that the most important is the quality of eggs we get from the bigger ones. He said that there is still a possibility that the others will catch up but he wanted to be realistic. I had to take the last of my stims this morning and I will trigger tonight. I am starting to get a little excited. Well at least that we are getting to the end of needles.

Almost There

On Saturday after monitoring the doctor told me that we are moving right along but will probably be stimming through 11 maybe even 12 days because I was responding a little slowly but they are growing. Follies were measuring about 10-15mm

So this morning, I went to monitoring and it looks like there are about 4 mature follicles 19mm, 20.5mm, 18mm, 17mm and a bunch of smaller ones between 10-16mm. The doctor said well looks like we will go for a Wednesday retrieval. She said I am moving slower but I am responding. But I will probably only have 3-4 eggs (I had 19 last time but none were mature at first). But I mentioned to her that my doctor( I am with a group practice) actually wanted to use less medicine and stim at least a day longer because of my results last time. She wanted to go for quality over quantity. So she looked at my chart and checked my dr.'s notes and said Ok we will stim one more day and to come back tomorrow.
I started freaking out a little because I don't want the few that are mature end up going too long. I don't know if it will make a huge difference but I guess she wouldn't have said to go one more day if something was wrong. I just am losing my mind a little. We will see what is up tomorrow but so far it seems like it will be Thursday ER.

Looking good so far

Went to my second follie check today and it looks like there are 7+ follies on both sides and they are growing pretty evenly. 11.5's and 12.5's. SO they are keeping me on the same dosage. This makes me happy that we are moving slow and steady....which wins the race right?

After monitoring had breakfast, accupuncture, saw my mom, had a date at a free play in the park with my husband and then So you think you Can Dance Finale.

So today was a good day.

I am grateful

You know when I feeling down and all emotional it is hard to see all that is around you. Today I have to say I am very grateful for my friends.

Finally getting the hang of it.

I have been stimming for three nights now and I finally got the hang of it again. It was quite frustrating the first two nights when it took 15 minutes to mix only two vials together and the whole and afterwards it all ended with lots of tears.
BUT...now it is a little better. Still a little over emotional but that comes with the territory.

Today I did go to a baby shower and I am very happy for my friend. She really is lovely. But it was still a little hard. I want that so bad it's all I can think about sometimes.

My husband is out of town this week so I am feeling a little lonely but again I think it is medicine induced.....well ok I miss him too.

Two days til monitoring and I am excited to see where we are. Hopefully we are growing steadily and evenly, at least thats the plan.