I'm back.
Costa Rica=Awesome
Break=good idea
Accupuncture=wonderful
My Husband= priceless

Still on this journey..........

Back on the Radar

Still taking a break of some sorts but back to posting.... more about goings on for now. One thing I am going to do is Metformin. All my tests came back OK so I will try this for now. I am still going to meet with a nutritionist and see their opinion but for now thats the plan.

In great news, my husband and I are going to COSTA RICA! It will be a great getaway and I have heard nothing but awesome things about it. Our anniversary in in 5 days, so we decided to treat ourselves. Granted we aren't leaving til November but we can celebrate 6 years anytime right?

Getting a little better

It has been a while since I wrote. I just needed a break away from it all. I am so grateful for all the supportive comments and for the incredible support and kind words from my friends and family. This time has been very hard for my husband and I truly appriciate it. We have not made any decisions about what is next besides taking a break from all the doctors and diagnosis and just getting back to "normal"

So for now I am going to focus on getting myself healthy( for real this time). Lose a little weight and just naturally get my body in shape. My doctor wanted me to start metformin which is usually used for patients with PCOS. I don't have this but she thinks this may help. I still am not sure if I going to take it but she said we could try it. It may help, and can't hurt. But again this makes me feel like an experiment.

I am going to go to a new accupuncturist who was recommended by a friend. I think starting something new will help me as well.

I just can't shake this sadness

I really thought I would be getting better. I think what is hardest is the fact that I don't think we can afford going further. I am so angry. I am relatively young, have a lot of eggs ( as they say) and yet nothing to show for them. All the doctors are in a quandry and have no idea what's up. They say I am not PCOS but my ovaries function that way. At first there was too much medicine then this time too little medicine.
Sometimes I just feel like an experiment. I wish there was an answer. They has options to go further but I feel like they are guessing and I just can't go through this financially or emotionally on a guess. I can't function and I feel like I am just floating along. I don't know where to turn. I think I may seriously need some help.

It's all over....

Our egg didn't make it so it's over before it started. I can't explain the pain I have in my heart today. It feels like an unending abyss.

Meanwhile, This morning was a mess because my cath got clogged and I had to change it again. I still have a huge clot that is slowly breaking up. But if it doesn't keep progressing I will have to have minor surgery.

I just don't know what to do what comes next. My husband is so strong and so amazing but I know he is hurting too. I am just numb.

and theres more.....

I had to go back because I couldn't urinate and the little I could get out it got prtty bloody. I was not sure where it was coming from but I knew nothing was on the pad. I called the doctors office and she told me to come back in. She put a cath in (oh boy) and it wasn't draining correctly. As she looked on the ultrasound she found a huge blod clot 5cm in my bladder and realized that was blocking the tube. So we had to take it out and try again with a new one and it seems to be working but I am terribly uncomfortable and I had to travel home with a bag....(really??)

I feel like today is a nightmare that just keeps going. I just don't don't know how much of this I can take.
I guess the one good thing is that they said my egg is progressing and for my husband to go back in again.

Back from ER ; (

So I can't believe this is happening again. Everything seemed to be going so smoothly. They only got 1 egg! and its not even mature yet. Apparently the follicles they saw on Tuesday I guess they were smaller. My doctor aspirated all of them even the small ones and thats all they got. So they think it may be a egg quality issue. Again they are not giving up on this one but my heart is so broken into pieces I am just numb. I will get a call this afternoon about the details but I just want to crawl up in a ball and disappear. I just can't stop crying.

I never wanter something more in my life. I feel like I do everything to be a good person in the world but I feel so kicked in the gut right now.

I am not giving up hope yet because they aren't but I just don't know what to think.

It's a go for Thursday

Things are looking good so we are doing ER on Thursday. I feel a lot better about it this time. I am so happy that I spoke up yesterday. My doctor does not think I will get a lot of eggs but he said that the most important is the quality of eggs we get from the bigger ones. He said that there is still a possibility that the others will catch up but he wanted to be realistic. I had to take the last of my stims this morning and I will trigger tonight. I am starting to get a little excited. Well at least that we are getting to the end of needles.

Almost There

On Saturday after monitoring the doctor told me that we are moving right along but will probably be stimming through 11 maybe even 12 days because I was responding a little slowly but they are growing. Follies were measuring about 10-15mm

So this morning, I went to monitoring and it looks like there are about 4 mature follicles 19mm, 20.5mm, 18mm, 17mm and a bunch of smaller ones between 10-16mm. The doctor said well looks like we will go for a Wednesday retrieval. She said I am moving slower but I am responding. But I will probably only have 3-4 eggs (I had 19 last time but none were mature at first). But I mentioned to her that my doctor( I am with a group practice) actually wanted to use less medicine and stim at least a day longer because of my results last time. She wanted to go for quality over quantity. So she looked at my chart and checked my dr.'s notes and said Ok we will stim one more day and to come back tomorrow.
I started freaking out a little because I don't want the few that are mature end up going too long. I don't know if it will make a huge difference but I guess she wouldn't have said to go one more day if something was wrong. I just am losing my mind a little. We will see what is up tomorrow but so far it seems like it will be Thursday ER.

Looking good so far

Went to my second follie check today and it looks like there are 7+ follies on both sides and they are growing pretty evenly. 11.5's and 12.5's. SO they are keeping me on the same dosage. This makes me happy that we are moving slow and steady....which wins the race right?

After monitoring had breakfast, accupuncture, saw my mom, had a date at a free play in the park with my husband and then So you think you Can Dance Finale.

So today was a good day.

I am grateful

You know when I feeling down and all emotional it is hard to see all that is around you. Today I have to say I am very grateful for my friends.

Finally getting the hang of it.

I have been stimming for three nights now and I finally got the hang of it again. It was quite frustrating the first two nights when it took 15 minutes to mix only two vials together and the whole and afterwards it all ended with lots of tears.
BUT...now it is a little better. Still a little over emotional but that comes with the territory.

Today I did go to a baby shower and I am very happy for my friend. She really is lovely. But it was still a little hard. I want that so bad it's all I can think about sometimes.

My husband is out of town this week so I am feeling a little lonely but again I think it is medicine induced.....well ok I miss him too.

Two days til monitoring and I am excited to see where we are. Hopefully we are growing steadily and evenly, at least thats the plan.

Man it is hot

It is so humid too. I am usually not in the city this time of year and next year I will try not to be. It is hard to breathe. To top it off I just spent a ridiculous amount of money to fix my car because apparently when my car was robbed a couple weeks ago, they did extensive electrical damage.

But I did have accupuncture today so that was relaxing.

I start stims tonight. It feels like it took so long to get to this point. Everything seems to be moving in slow motion which is very different than before so maybe thats a good sign. I started listening to these meditation CD's that a friend gave to me. The one thing I can say is that I listen to them right before bed and the last two nights I have actually slept through the night and wake up very rested so if anything, that is so worth it.

Good Weekend

Had a good weekend. A lot of things that kept my mind pretty relaxed. I went to the beach yesterday. It was fun and the water was not super cold but we did witness three saves by the lifeguards.

I have been having crazy dreams lately and I have no idea what to make of them so now I just except it as normal...for now.

My sisters burthday was today and she is going to Disney. I do wish I could go. I was feeling kinda guilty today because I feel like I haven't done anything with her in a long time and this would've been a fun trip.

But this all for the best. I started getting anxious today about the whole thing. I have changed my diet, taken my vitamins and excercised more this time around. I still can't relax about my ER. It's so crazy tghat when it comes down to it, it really is out of my hands.

So for now I will just believe that only the best is coming for us.....

A little moody today

Woke up this morning pretty sad. About it all our situation my career, life. I am sure it is the Lupron. I just did not feel this way last time. My dreams are also just getting more and more vivid. So I just tried to relax and clear my mind and I think it worked a little.

I am going to visit a few friends today. So I am trying to perk up. No need to bring others down. One great thing. My husband is baking cookies right now. Cookies make everything better.

Lupron...uneventful... til today

So I have been bad about writing about this cycle but I will keep up. Been house sitting and having a great time just relaxing. SO the same old stuff. Lupron. It's preety uneventful. I feel like an expert. But of course when I start getting cocky about it, I was about to give myself the shot and it fell into the dogs blankets and "stuffs" So needless to say, had to trash it. I hope I don't run out. That would suck. I doubt it will but...really???

Anyhoo, just trying to stay in my relax mode as long as I can and see what is next.

I have been having many dreams about all my friends giving birth or about to. Weird. Oh and then the dream just turns into small mice nibbling at my ankles. If anyone can crack that one, let me know.

And Away We Go

So it finally came yesterday and we begin Aygestin today and Lupron on Wednesday. Then I don't see the doc til the 29th. g
But of course, in my life that can never go on without some random event, my car was robbed! And radio taken. Fun morning.

Lets get this show on the road.

I am mentally and physically ready to strat IVF #2 but my body has a mind of its own. So because my cycle was a week late last month we are already behind schedule. Now my period is two days late and its pushing everything back again. I guess good things come to those who wait but it can get frustrating.

Happy 4th!

Today is a good day cause I SLEPT! for 13 hours! Weird. I was so tired I couldn't keep my eyes open. But I finally feel rested for now. We are going to see the fireworks tonight on the Hudson River with some friends and just chill. I am into this sleeping thing......

I can't lie

I loved Michael Jackson. I used to cry when I saw him perform and yesterday made me quite sad. I think mostly because he seemed to be in such a bubble of a world that seemed very strange to many. Whatever his personal troubles were and I know that people say celebrities just ask for it when they are in the limelight but no one should be so alienated whether it is self induced or not.

Now whatever he has gone through I hope that he is at peace now. No matter what his music will live on til eternity. We have truly lost an amazing talent yesterday, but thank goodness he has been a contributer to our culture.

Back Home

Had a great time this last week with my hubby and now back ducking the dust in my apartment. Getting a new kitchen put in. I am actually getting more excited as they go. I am pretty impressed in how fast they are moving but all the dust and noise is a pain in the butt.

Been feeling pretty tired lately. Getting ready to head to the Berkshires for my dear friends wedding. It's a pretty big event so I am trying to rest up now.

So now I will just sit back and watch a little DVR tonight. While it is silent.

With my Honey

I am so excited to be with my honey. I haven't seen him for a month and I have now been here in PA with him for 4 days. Man I love him. And he was so good in his show. I will be seeing the opening of the second show tonight and I am very excited about it. Meanwhile I get to sit around and get some stuff done on the computer while he is in his final rehearsal.

I went into Pittsburgh yesterday because it is so close and I figured I may as well see as many family as I can before we start our next cycle. I am so happy I went because everyone was in one place and I didn't have to drive all over Pittsburgh for my visit. It was also such beautiful weather.

I have to call to pay the balance on this next cycle. It makes it so real when you hand over the cash huh?

WTF appointment...

First off....I got my period FINALLY! It has completely thrown all plans out of whack but at least I know what is happening. I guess POAS does make it come.

I don't know what I expected from a different doctor, but at least I was getting some sort of answer. He told me that he did not believe that the cause was the HCG shot. He said they routinely give that much and sometimes even less. He agrees with Dr. P that I should have just stimmed a little longer because a few of my eggs did eventually mature through IVM. He did think that the 50% fertilization rate of what was mature was a little low but the Blast we did end up transfering was above average.

He agrees with the protocol plan for my next IVF. Doing Long Lupron starting with less meds when we stim and build up over time if needed. That will also allow us to stim longer.

SO we are moving onto IVF #2 next month. When I left I just started crying. I think I am just anxious about this next cycle. There is nothing left until we start again and I just so want it to work. I will be working on my relaxation and meditation to calm myself.

I also am running out of creative excuses form getting out of family events and cycling throughout the summer is not making it easier. I just hope that eventually when we have a positive result, and I tell them what was up, they can understand.

where oh where are you AF?

I am officially 5 days late today and...yes...I have tested but it was neg and I spotted yesterday a little but it stopped. I really didn't want to POAS, but because I had a dentist appointment, I did. I got over the POAS trigger happy feelings a long time ago because I feel like it is just screaming "No...don't you get it, no!"

Anyhoo, in other news I am excited to finally see my husband next weekend. It has been kinda hard this time he is away. But I have kept myself busy, working and trying to see some shows.

I have my WTF appointment on Wednesday. I asked to speak to a different RE at the practice (It is a group practice) and I want his opinion as recommendation from a friend that is a patient there. I just want to hear his opinion as well a good explanation of what happened with our last cycle as opposed to oh it just didn't work let's just try again. If AF is not here by then I will test there but again...not expecting much.

Have a busy week ahead of me otherwise. So I gotta stay on my toes.

Back from Hibernation (of sorts)

SO I took a couple of weeks off from talking about TTC. Needed a break but I am back. I have been driving everywhere. From NY to Pittsburgh to DC and back then to upstate NY and back again. It has a very busy two weeks and yet rather relaxing. My husband is out of town in a show so I am home alone. Lots of things I would like to work on but I don't have the urge to do it. Maybe in the next couple of weeks.

We are obviously on a break cycle (being that we should be in the same state at least). SO I haven't been obsessing over every little thing. Nice to take a break on that. I have also been visiting with a lot of friends that I haven't seen in months. My attempt at a social life again. That all changes in July when we try IVF again but til then I am living a normal life. I will finally have a WTF appointment next week. So we will nail down what the plan is.

I started taking CoQ-10 and Vit. B & C & E. Figured it can't hurt so we will see.

I also got a Wii for my birthday. It has been sitting in the box for a week. I just want the time to spend with my gadget and tomorrow is that time. So I will read all the directions and set it up tomorrow. I am very excited. It's the little things excite me lately.

33!

It's my birthday today. I don't know how to feel. I am grateful for many things I have in my life, friends, family, love. There are many things that I wish for. I am determined to make those things happen. This was a huge milestone for me having a child but I have decided to stop putting benchmarks on it all. If I have learned anything it is that this whole journey is unpredictable. So I will treat today as a blessing as with everyday with thier ups and downs and be grateful. I know I am to be a mommy. I truly feel that way. SO this year, I am going with my gut.

We are moving on...

We have decided that we will try again but not til late June/ early July. I am going to be a lot more involved in knowing what is going on with the cycle. This last one I just felt like everything came from left field. So I have already started my list of questions because I want to know all the options and why my doctor chooses what she does.

We have to take a month off and we are going to the financial counseling in the next couple of weeks and then we will set a start date.

Right now I just wish my period will start. I know it is coming it's just a little cruel it is taking so long. The waiting is making me crazy. My stomache was killing me last night so maybe it will come sometime soon.

Cinco de Mayo (yesterday)

Yes I did have a glass of wine yesterday. I feel like I earned it. Uggh but just 1 because hey I haven't had wine in a ridiculously long time. So needless to say not so put together.

It was a better day than Monday though. I went to my support group which always makes me feel a little better and then spent the evening stuffing invites for a friends wedding.

Taking it day by day.

Negative....

That was the answer. I kinda felt that way this morning and tried to prepare myself but it doesn't suck any less. I am very sad right now but I know it will get better. My birthday is next week and I think this was the one thing I was really hoping for this year. I am so grateful that my husband is so awesome and supportive. I know we will probably try again I just can't really think about that right now.

Beta Tomorrow......

I can't believe it is already here. I am trying to not really obsess too much but I am of course hoping for good news that my little trooper is hanging in there. I am glad the weekend went so quickly. I was at a friends bridal shower and it was a nice distraction. I enjoyed myself. I was a little tired though. I have a tendency to overdo it sometimes. So til tomorrow.....

I am so hoping for good news. Keeping my fingers and toes crosssed.

Better today. Strangely calm

I am 5dp6dt. My beta is on Monday. Strangely enough I have no desire to POAS. These past few weeks I think has taught me a little patience...or I am just wore out.

Today, I felt a lot better, I think it is because I spent some time with my friend yesterday at lunch and just distracted from it all. My car had a poopy couple of days and I had to leave it at the mechanic. I was really tired today. It was so nice outside that I felt a little guilty taking a nap before I went to perform tonight but it was so worth it.

Not feeling so hot or hopeful today

I woke up feeling poopy today and really sad. I can't explain it but I can't seem to shake it. Maybe this is the prometrium or leftover hormones but I just don't want to feel this way. My husband is so good cause he being optimistic but I hate that the cramping I have been feeling just feels like failure.

A week from today I will know for sure. I hate this. I hate waiting. I hate crying in the corner so no one will know and then putting on a brave face.

Tomorrow I will try harder. Ijust really want this to work.

Day to Relax

Had a very relaxing day and nice lunch with a few friends. But pretty much layed around. Oh and of course watching the NFL draft.

It was absolutely beautiful out today so the lunch on the terrace was lovely.

Also lots of meditation and mantras. 9 days and counting...

Made it to Beautiful Blast Friday!

I woke up about 6AM this morning because I just couldn't sleep. It was beautiful and sunny outside and ging up to 72 degrees. It took them a while to call to tell us whether or not it was a go. So when they did at 9AM I think I could of thrown up I was so relieved.

I immediately started downing a ridiculous amount of water because I afraid I would not be able to fill my bladder in time for the transfer at 11AM. I was mistaken. We drove to the office and I could harldly walk I had to go so bad. We got there at 10:35 and they said they were running a little behind so I just ran to the bathroom and went. I immediately started chugging more water.

At 11 they brought us back and my husband put on the paper coveralls and I put on the gown. They put us in the room and I layed down and realized I had to go again. Now I understand the whole full bladder thing but really??? I started to pee on myself so my DH went out and asked if I could just empty a little because I was not going to make it. She said I could just empty a little just make sure not to fully. So you know what kind of control that takes.

Finally the doctor came in and said we had one good blast and the second was also a blast but still a little slow. So they decided to transfer both but when we were going to do it the lab said the slow one wasn't looking to good so we just transfered the one.....I didn't care I was so happy to get this far. So he started the procedure and explaine deverything step by step. While they do it, the nurse is holding the ultrasound pressing against my belly. It was really uncomfortable because of course my bladder was bursting. I was so concentrated on the screen I didn't realized I started to pee a little on the doctor but I pulled back as soon as I felt it. They had me lay down for 10 mins to relax but as soon as I "relaxed" I couldn't stop. I was so embarrased. Doesn't get any sexier than this huh? Well when we left, I then went to accupuncture and went home to rest.
10 days til Beta. Now it's just time to snuggle in.

Good Distractions

Well I figured I have to fill my time to make Friday come faster. So TV is one. Lots of good stuff on. Today and tomorrow I will be doing a couple of stage readings and then I will be going to a Broadway show on Thursday. I will continue working on my friends shower and I think I will be working on my wedding album finally. My friend Allison made me delicious cookies yesterday and cookies always make you feel a little better. So thats my plan while I keep my fingers and toes crossed for BB Friday.

So....ET pushed

I was supposed to leave in a couple of hours for my ET but The doctor just called and said that my embryos are growing a little slowly and that they are pushing my ET to Friday (6dt) . I have 1 5-cell embryo that is poor quality and 2 that are 4-celled but are progressing well. She said that eggs that are ICSI'd on day 1 instead of day 0 tend to be slower or maybe not make it. But she did say that they can also end up being beautiful blasts. But I still have to be warned that they may not make it. So I really hope that my little fighters will make it to blast. I feel a little numb. My husband is so wonderful because he is really finding the positive in this all.

Another three days seem impossible but we waited this long right?

Thats what are next waiting game is: "Beautiful Blast Friday" .....and now back to my emotional roller coaster.

From 2 to 6 to 3......

When they looked a little later they found that 6 eggs were actually mature so they performed ICSI on all six and 3 fertilized so I am so happy with that number. My 3dt is scheduled for Tuesday at 11:30AM. SO now we are just cheering our 3 little embies along...grow embies grow.

Two little troopers

So we got the call today that two little eggies matured overnight. So my husband went this morning again and now we wait again to hear if they fertilize. I am praying they do.

Back from ER!

They got 19 eggs and I was so excited. But I got a call a few hours later from the doctor and she said that the lab said that they all looked immature. She said what they do is just leave them alone overnight to see if they mature and then I get a call in the morning. She said that it is unusual that this happens to all of them (usually happens in younger patients) but she has definatly seen success from these kind of cycles. I just feel numb. I can't stop crying. Why can't any of this be easier. They want my husband to go back tomorrow to give another fresh sample. Oh God please let my eggs grow.

To excited to sleep

Oh boy, it is 4:45 AM and of course I can't sleep. My ER is a little under five hours and all I hag were some weird dreams so I woke up and can't get back to sleep. I have been staying hydrated with water and Gatorade and I an feeling pretty good. So now I will just maybe watch some TV and try to fall back asleep.

ER is on Friday!

I am worrying about everything but Ok. My E2 levels are pretty high (4800) (it was 2300 yesterday). They seem to expect this because of my response but they will still keep close monitoring. My retrieval is set for 9:30 AM on Friday. My e2 levels are a high so they are having me trigger with less hcg (5,000 instead of 10,000). I don't have any OHSS symptoms, but they said you really can't tell until after trigger. But it is measuring correctly with the amount of follicles and their size (16mm-20mm). So my fingers and toes are crossed that all goes well and all this worry is for nothing.

I will be eating protein and chugging the Gatorade and water. But now just once again, waiting. Friday can't get here soon enough.

and now....

I went in today for monitoring and they see about 13 follies on both sides. Measuring from 12-17.5 The dr. told me I may be at risk for OHSS. They are going to monitor me more closely so I will be there everyday from now on. They have also lowered my dose since yesterday and then called later in the day and lowered it a little more. I hope all this works. I am trying to stay positive but I now have something else to obsess over. I have started chugging Gatorade. It's supposed to help but we'll see. Tomorrow I am going to ask what my E-2 levels are and ask about the option of coasting on Lupron.

So with all that news I asked the Dr what he thinks about approximate time for ER and he said Saturday so that is cool.

Moving right along

So went in this morning for more b/w and u/s. The doctor says that I have at least 10 follicles all measuring between 10mm and 11mm. So had a little change in medicine (she reduced the Bravelle) and I will see them on Tuesday. I am happy everything is moving along well.

But....as I was in the waiting area, I had fallen asleep on my husbands shoulder. As I opened my eyes I noticed this woman with her camera up pointed in my direction. I bent over like I was tying my shoes to get out of her camera view. It made me very uncomfortable. I mean what kind of nutbag takes pictures of people or anything in an RE office. When I approached her about it, she said she would never do anything like that. I promise you. I just walked away because I didn't wan tto start a bigger scene but ...Really???

Looking Good

Went in today for my first u/s and bloodwork since stimming. My doctor said I am progressing really well. They aren't too big yet which is good but it looks like 10+ follies and my lining looks good. I go in on Easter for the next check.

My accupuncturist also said my body is ready for a baby. So for now all signs are looking good.

Starting Stims

Pretty good day. Went in for monitoring and everything looks really good so now we start stims. It took about 15 minutes to mix (my husband was being very careful) and it burned like hell for a couple minutes but other than taht pretty uneventful. I am just happy we are starting. Now it seems like time will fly just thinking that there may be the possibility of a retrieval next week. It's crazy.

Also had accupuncture today which was great and relaxing. I just need to start taking it easy. I go back to RE on Friday to see how I am doing. So just positive mantras for now.

Oh yeah...expensive mistake

So I called my RE office and told them what happened. They said they talked to the pharmacist and they had to do some research on the issue. So this confirms I am probably the only fool out here that freezes Lupron. Anyway the answer ended up being I had to get a whole new perscription of Lupron. Good thing insurance paid part of it but it was still an expense we didn't expect. But it is a good thing we did it...the old medicine looked a little foamy.

So disaster averted.

Oh no, I messed up

So I finally think I got a hang of these injections, but I messed up. I went to see a friend in NJ today and I didn't think I would be home in time to take the shot at home. So as I have done before I wrapped it in a ice pack (the kind that never really gets to cold and kept it in my bag. Well four hours later when I take it out to use it, it was FROZEN!

I freaked out because the medicine says keep cool but do not freeze in big freaking letters on the box. I put it in between my breasts and then in a little bit of warm water. It took about 1 minute to thaw but I think it is ruined. It was too late to call my RE office so I just went ahead and took it. Under the assumption that they will tell me I am worrying for no reason. I will call first thing tomorrow. It doesn't help that I have cramps from hell. God I hope I didn't mess up bad.

Poopy day!

Today kinda sucked. Woke up today to lots of drilling and banging. They are replacing all the windows in my building which I guess is a good thing just really??....7 AM in the freaking morning? I have also been really grumpy so not enough sleep is not doing well. Then of course found out another friend is pregnant. I am happy for them but this is the first time in a long time I have felt really bitter. Then in my email a video of my little cousins beautiful 6 week old baby....ugggggh...they are everywhere...Maybe this is a good omen though...right?

Well at least the month of March has not been as crazy as the first two months in 2009. I felt a little better today just thinking starting tomorrow, it will be the month we make our sticky baby. I have been feeling a little impatient lately. This is Day 9 on the Lupron and, luckily, I have not had any side effects. But it seems like forever from this point.

Yesterday I talked to my sister who really wants me to go to a weekend family reunion next week. I really don't think I can go because of monitoring. I think she is starting to suspect something is up but I am sure she has no idea it is IVF. I really miss her and her kids which kills me though. In time I will tell.

Opting out...

So last Saturday, I went to one of my dear friends 2nd baby's first birthday. We started TTC at the same time and she is now one...but I digress. Her family is like my own but because of that I was asked no less than 5 times why I don't have a baby and,"What's wrong with you?", etc....well you get the picture. Of course I gave the usual well you know soon hopefully with a smile and quickly left the room. I know they don't want to be mean but its a little stab in my heart everytime.

So today is her son's birthday (he's 5) and the party is at Chucky Cheese. I know she really wants me to be there. As much as I would love to be in a place filled with kids screaming...I mean playing, and the fresh aroma of stinky feet, I have decided to opt out of this one.

I usually make it a point to go to all my friends and family "baby things" because I didn't want to feel bitter or anything but this is the second time I am opting out of something and it feels good. Self preservation I say. Next year this time, who knows, maybe I will be happy for yucky pizza.

Today I helped my friend Allison out today with her sweet little baby boy. She hurt her back and had to have surgeryto help the pain. Because of all the pain she has needed help for the past three months and I am so happy I have been able to help. Also it's good practice and believe it or not it actually keeps me distracted from obsessing about IVF.
Today is Day 4 on Lupron. I decided to do the needles myself it just is easier.

I have been really tired lately. It can be due to the fact of my TV addiction. I thought that having a DVR would free time up for me, which it did at first, but now I just tape everything and need to watch it before people spoil what is on. Pathetic I know. Have to watch Idol, Lost, America's Next Top Model. Thank goodness I watched 24 and Heros the night before.

I need to get on top of it though. I need to eat better and get more sleep! Especially now....
maybe tonight.

We are actors who met in college and have been married since October 2003 We started this journey almost three years ago, tried on our own for a year and a half and then sought help. We have already had 3 failed IUI's, changed doctors and now we have moved onto IVF.

I am so lucky to have a dear friend who is there to listen to me quabble on about this. It has been a true relief. I have not shared this with my family because I don't wan them to worry unnecessarily.

Today will be day 3 on Lupron. The first injection we were bumbling like clowns in a car but I think we are getting the hang of it. Still hate shooting needles into my stomache. So today I will try my thigh.

In other news, taking this week off from auditioning feeling a little craptastic today.